CONspiracy Alert

Conspiracy Theories Abound.  Some are silly, some are strange, and some are flat out sick – the musings of minds in desperate need of medical attention…but…

WHAT IF….Donald Trump’s announced diagnosis of Covid19 is nothing more than a plot to avoid the long and legendary arm of the law? “ How?” you ask.  Well, maybe like this:

A report, issued by the White House Thursday night, informs the world that Donald Trump has contracted Covid19, the diabolical hoax virus that affects almost no one. Shortly thereafter, Donald is flown by helicopter to nearby Walter Reed Hospital.  The details of his status and treatment are closely guarded secrets, so secret, in fact, that even his attending physicians are not permitted to know. 

Meanwhile, in another part of Trump Town,  his Legion of Lunatic Lemmings frantically pace their trailers, clutching their guns and smacking their gums. “Oh my God, what are we going to do? Gladys, where did I put my teeth?”Have you looked in the Spittoon?”   

Back at Walter Reed, though unconfirmed, a new story is spreading: Trump is dead! Moments later, Twitter is flooded with reports of the passing of Donald John Trump.  And then the official announcement from Fox TV’s visibly sobbing Tucker Carlson:
“The China Virus has claimed another victim — Donald Trump, our beloved 45th president of the United States, is dead”.

Suddenly, in shacks and shanties, bars and barnyards, there is much gnashing of teeth…or there will be, as soon as they find their teeth, and millions of weeping, wailing, MAGA hat wearing, butt crack bearing, off-spring of the marriage of cousins polish their guns and promise revenge.

Covered by a newly made (in China) American flag, a gurney carrying the body of the deceased president  is wheeled from his private hospital room, loaded onto a waiting helicopter, and flown to an undisclosed location, where it will be prepared for its final Reality Show appearance.

A White House Press Release informs the world that Donald John Trump, America’s 45th president, the greatest president in the history of the United States, has died, but only after fighting a valiant battle against the most evil enemy America has ever faced. No one has ever fought as bravely as he did!  The president’s last words were: “I am the strongest president in the history of presidents. No president has EVER fought this enemy, but I fought it and I fought it better than ANY one’s ever fought it, and I love my people SO much that I am giving my life for them!”  The Press Release concluded with the news that the body of Donald J. Trump, the most brilliant president America has ever known, will lie in state in the Capitol Rotunda until all his cherished followers, friends and family members have been able to pay their final respects, at which time he will be buried, with full military honors, in Arlington Memorial Cemetery, as befits the bravest Commander-In-Chief this nation has ever been fortunate enough to know.

In keeping with standard protocol, flags throughout Washington D.C. are lowered, then raised to half-staff.  Amid a hectic storm of activities in the White House, led by Ivanka Trump, a lavish  funeral is being arranged. News crews from around the world plant their cameras and shoot anyone and anything that moves. Anything except the one most important thing – the one thing they will never know.

As the sun begins to set and the October skies darken over the nation’s capital, no one notices the unmarked Boeing 757 jet as it takes off from Andrews Air Force Base and heads east, over the Atlantic Ocean.  A Steward pushes a food-laden trolly into the the plane’s silk-lined master bedroom.  Removing the solid gold lids from two large dinner plates, he exposes four McDonald’s Cheeseburgers, four containers of French Fries, and four bottles of Diet Coke, then turns on his heels and walks out of the room.

Hearing the door close, Donald John Trump studies himself in his 24-karat-gold-framed bathroom mirror and laughs. Patting down one errant strand of hair, he winks at his mirror image, walks out of the bathroom, and seats himself in front of his dinner.  As he digs into his favorite meal, he clicks the TV remote and the giant screen on the far wall comes to life, showing him thousands of MAGA hat-wearing, gun-toting, adoring disciples as they weep uncontrollably over the loss of their adored leader.  “Man, I am good!” he says as he shoves one half of a Cheeseburger into his mouth and reaches for a Diet Coke.

What if…?

–Y.Not?! (aka Brooke Jones)

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ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION

From The Offal Office

Executive Order

August 16,2020

To guarantee the safety of the upcoming Presidential Election, and to make sure that the results reflect the wishes of true Americans, all ballots will be inspected and counted by panels of Election Experts who will verify the authenticity of each and every vote.  These Experts, chosen for their extensive experience and expertise, will inspect and count every legitimate ballot.

The vote totals from each panel of Election Experts, when added together, will determine the winner of the November 3, 2020 Presidential Election.  This will ensure that there will be NO Voter Fraud.  Americans will finally be able to trust that the results of a presidential election are accurate and completely free of tampering or interference by any of the people who are working hard to deliver our great Democracy into the hands of those who want to destroy it!

Thanks to this new and brilliant Election Management System, invented by Donald J. Trump, America will never again suffer from Electile Dysfunction.

Signed by: Donald J. Trump

Y.Not?! (aka Brooke Jones)

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Operators Are Standing By…(or not)…

As the Covid19 Death Toll in America tragically topped 90,000 (on May 20, 2020), Donald J. Trump did what any decent, compassionate United States President would do – he announced the birth of…The Official Donald J. Trump COLORING BOOK.  (I’ll wait while you read that again, because it couldn’t possibly say COLORING BOOK.)   

Okay – you read it again and discovered that I actually did type the words Coloring Book. Moving right along…

So, the ___________ (fill in the blank with the adjective of your choice) Meat Puppets at Donnie’s re-election campaign issued a text message to his millions of ___________ (insert another adjective of your choosing and we’ll dub this a Social Distancing Group Participation event) adoring fans; disciples; devotees; knuckleheads; ____________ (feel free to jump in here).

 The exact text of that text message said (and I quote):

“Now available, especially for you, the Official Donald J. Trump Coloring Book.  It contains 16 artistic depictions of our great leader and it’s perfect for both adults and youth.  The President set aside a Limited Edition Trump Coloring Book just for YOU, friend.  900 sold in just 5 minutes and we only have 900 left!  He’s asked us to hold one for YOU but, due to demand we can only hold it for 5 more minutes before we have to release it to the next Patriot!  They’re flying off the shelves so be sure to get yours NOW before they’re gone!”

I swear to you, I did not invent one single, solitary word of the preceding paragraph. Honestly, I didn’t…and, BTW, I’m not sure whether the “Patriots” or the Coloring Books are “flying off the shelves” (“Patriots” REALLY?) but in either case, we should probably duck.

But wait —  there’s more.  If you enjoy projectile vomiting,  I invite you to go to his Twitter site and/or official web site and see for yourself.  Go ahead…I’ll be here when you get back.

For a mere $20 you can have your very own Official Donald J. Trump Coloring Book.  It even comes with a set of colored pencils.  (that you can use to color, or to jab into your eye balls because, well..you know…Trump Coloring Book)…AND…for just $35 you can be the proud owner of the Official Donald J. Trump 200-piece Jigsaw Puzzle.

The Official Donald J. Trump Jigsaw Puzzle?  Really?  Okay, why not (Y. Not?)?  Indeed, why not a beautiful and, of course, perfect 200-piece Jigsaw Puzzle of our very own U.S. Constitution, including the Bill of Rights (because…you know…Trump Jigsaw Puzzle). For just $35 you can put it together, piece-by-piece, word-by-word, and make our cherished Constitution say what we all know it was intended to say! (extra points to “Patriots” who leave out that pesky 19th Amendment).

Okay, I made up the part about a Jigsaw Puzzle version of the Constitution but only because those Lemming Wranglers haven’t thought of it yet.  (Give ‘em a minute).  The part about the puzzle is true, but odds are it’s a picture (“artistic depiction“) of what’s-his-name.  $35 will get you the Official 200-piece Trump Jigsaw Puzzle and $20 buys you an Official Limited Edition Trump Coloring Book (limited, no doubt, only by the number of orders received). Sharpies sold separately. 

Oh, how I wish I could say I was making all of this up, but, alas, I’m not.  If you go to his official web site you’ll find his official Coloring Book prominently displayed, alongside these official words: 

“Please contribute at least $25 IMMEDIATELY to get your Official Trump Coloring Book.  LOW STOCK ALERT.  Order YOURS now before they’re all gone”.

(…sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth).  So, this is a joke, right. An elaborate Ashton Kutcher ‘punk job’, yes? Oh please!  But…what?…No? Really?  It’s real?…really? OMG!  Tens of thousands of Americans have died.  Thousands more will follow in their (sorry) wake…and our Game Show Maggot-In-Chief is sticking his name on anything not nailed down (and several things that are) and selling it.

Operators may or may not be standing by. (and, by the way, why the Official Limited Edition Donald J. Trump Coloring Book will cost you $25 if you buy it from his official web site, but a mere $20 if purchased from the initial text message offering, well…your guess is as good as mine, especially if your guess involves the letters that spell “greedy bastard”)

But really — a COLORING BOOK?!!?  That morbidly obese (thank you Congresswoman Pelosi) obscenity has turned the White House (our house – the house of We The People) into a Clown Car and there seems to be no end to the number of clowns flopping in and out of it.  (FYI, anyone who doubts that ol’ Vlad Putin is the Ringmaster of this Twilight Zone meets Barnum & Bailey’s Circus just isn’t paying attention.)

So, to summarize — within just a few days, 100,000 Americans will have been killed by a world-wide plague that a criminally insane, megalomaniacal, scuzz bucket Game Show-Host-turned Tyrant’s Boy Toy went out of his way to NOT prevent…but not to worry ‘cause, you know…Trump Coloring Book (and Jigsaw Puzzle)!

  • Y.Not?! (aka Brooke Jones)

P.S. – North Korea’s Pudgecicle Kim Jong Un(hinged) has filed a copyright Infringement suit over his BFF’s unauthorized use of the title “Great Leader”.

P.P.S. — beware of low-flying “Patriots”

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Consider, If You Dare…

WHAT IF...?

Maybe it’s the incessant isolation, or the anti-social Social Distancing.  Perhaps it’s the mere thought of the word quarantine.  It could be the escalating public panic, or the paucity of toilet paper, or the seemingly inescapable gaze into the gaping maw of death that the current global pandemic engenders….whatever the precise reason may be, my brain insists on pondering that which my sanity would be much better off pondering not at all.   But alas, ponder I do…

Consider, if you dare…

…the many aspects of daily American life that have suddenly been turned upside-down and inside-out. “Business as usual” definitely does not live here anymore!

What’s to become of the American Legal System? If gatherings of any number, beyond the boundaries of one’s own residence, are banned by law, how can trials by jury be conducted? Are people now being arrested, thrown in jail and left there without benefit…

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