From The Offal Office

Executive Order

August 16,2020

To guarantee the safety of the upcoming Presidential Election, and to make sure that the results reflect the wishes of true Americans, all ballots will be inspected and counted by panels of Election Experts who will verify the authenticity of each and every vote.  These Experts, chosen for their extensive experience and expertise, will inspect and count every legitimate ballot.

The vote totals from each panel of Election Experts, when added together, will determine the winner of the November 3, 2020 Presidential Election.  This will ensure that there will be NO Voter Fraud.  Americans will finally be able to trust that the results of a presidential election are accurate and completely free of tampering or interference by any of the people who are working hard to deliver our great Democracy into the hands of those who want to destroy it!

Thanks to this new and brilliant Election Management System, invented by Donald J. Trump, America will never again suffer from Electile Dysfunction.

Signed by: Donald J. Trump

Y.Not?! (aka Brooke Jones)

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Operators Are Standing By…(or not)…

As the Covid19 Death Toll in America tragically topped 90,000 (on May 20, 2020), Donald J. Trump did what any decent, compassionate United States President would do – he announced the birth of…The Official Donald J. Trump COLORING BOOK.  (I’ll wait while you read that again, because it couldn’t possibly say COLORING BOOK.)   

Okay – you read it again and discovered that I actually did type the words Coloring Book. Moving right along…

So, the ___________ (fill in the blank with the adjective of your choice) Meat Puppets at Donnie’s re-election campaign issued a text message to his millions of ___________ (insert another adjective of your choosing and we’ll dub this a Social Distancing Group Participation event) adoring fans; disciples; devotees; knuckleheads; ____________ (feel free to jump in here).

 The exact text of that text message said (and I quote):

“Now available, especially for you, the Official Donald J. Trump Coloring Book.  It contains 16 artistic depictions of our great leader and it’s perfect for both adults and youth.  The President set aside a Limited Edition Trump Coloring Book just for YOU, friend.  900 sold in just 5 minutes and we only have 900 left!  He’s asked us to hold one for YOU but, due to demand we can only hold it for 5 more minutes before we have to release it to the next Patriot!  They’re flying off the shelves so be sure to get yours NOW before they’re gone!”

I swear to you, I did not invent one single, solitary word of the preceding paragraph. Honestly, I didn’t…and, BTW, I’m not sure whether the “Patriots” or the Coloring Books are “flying off the shelves” (“Patriots” REALLY?) but in either case, we should probably duck.

But wait —  there’s more.  If you enjoy projectile vomiting,  I invite you to go to his Twitter site and/or official web site and see for yourself.  Go ahead…I’ll be here when you get back.

For a mere $20 you can have your very own Official Donald J. Trump Coloring Book.  It even comes with a set of colored pencils.  (that you can use to color, or to jab into your eye balls because, well..you know…Trump Coloring Book)…AND…for just $35 you can be the proud owner of the Official Donald J. Trump 200-piece Jigsaw Puzzle.

The Official Donald J. Trump Jigsaw Puzzle?  Really?  Okay, why not (Y. Not?)?  Indeed, why not a beautiful and, of course, perfect 200-piece Jigsaw Puzzle of our very own U.S. Constitution, including the Bill of Rights (because…you know…Trump Jigsaw Puzzle). For just $35 you can put it together, piece-by-piece, word-by-word, and make our cherished Constitution say what we all know it was intended to say! (extra points to “Patriots” who leave out that pesky 19th Amendment).

Okay, I made up the part about a Jigsaw Puzzle version of the Constitution but only because those Lemming Wranglers haven’t thought of it yet.  (Give ‘em a minute).  The part about the puzzle is true, but odds are it’s a picture (“artistic depiction“) of what’s-his-name.  $35 will get you the Official 200-piece Trump Jigsaw Puzzle and $20 buys you an Official Limited Edition Trump Coloring Book (limited, no doubt, only by the number of orders received). Sharpies sold separately. 

Oh, how I wish I could say I was making all of this up, but, alas, I’m not.  If you go to his official web site you’ll find his official Coloring Book prominently displayed, alongside these official words: 

“Please contribute at least $25 IMMEDIATELY to get your Official Trump Coloring Book.  LOW STOCK ALERT.  Order YOURS now before they’re all gone”.

(…sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth).  So, this is a joke, right. An elaborate Ashton Kutcher ‘punk job’, yes? Oh please!  But…what?…No? Really?  It’s real?…really? OMG!  Tens of thousands of Americans have died.  Thousands more will follow in their (sorry) wake…and our Game Show Maggot-In-Chief is sticking his name on anything not nailed down (and several things that are) and selling it.

Operators may or may not be standing by. (and, by the way, why the Official Limited Edition Donald J. Trump Coloring Book will cost you $25 if you buy it from his official web site, but a mere $20 if purchased from the initial text message offering, well…your guess is as good as mine, especially if your guess involves the letters that spell “greedy bastard”)

But really — a COLORING BOOK?!!?  That morbidly obese (thank you Congresswoman Pelosi) obscenity has turned the White House (our house – the house of We The People) into a Clown Car and there seems to be no end to the number of clowns flopping in and out of it.  (FYI, anyone who doubts that ol’ Vlad Putin is the Ringmaster of this Twilight Zone meets Barnum & Bailey’s Circus just isn’t paying attention.)

So, to summarize — within just a few days, 100,000 Americans will have been killed by a world-wide plague that a criminally insane, megalomaniacal, scuzz bucket Game Show-Host-turned Tyrant’s Boy Toy went out of his way to NOT prevent…but not to worry ‘cause, you know…Trump Coloring Book (and Jigsaw Puzzle)!

  • Y.Not?! (aka Brooke Jones)

P.S. – North Korea’s Pudgecicle Kim Jong Un(hinged) has filed a copyright Infringement suit over his BFF’s unauthorized use of the title “Great Leader”.

P.P.S. — beware of low-flying “Patriots”

Scroll down to read more, AND…to be notified of new offerings in the land of “What If?” please scroll to the bottom and CLICK on the FOLLOW button. (By all means DO feel free to leave a COMMENT…and to SHARE with your favorite whomsoevers) Stay safe and do your best to remain at least moderately sane amid the insanity that surrounds us.

Consider, If You Dare…


Maybe it’s the incessant isolation, or the anti-social Social Distancing.  Perhaps it’s the mere thought of the word quarantine.  It could be the escalating public panic, or the paucity of toilet paper, or the seemingly inescapable gaze into the gaping maw of death that the current global pandemic engenders….whatever the precise reason may be, my brain insists on pondering that which my sanity would be much better off pondering not at all.   But alas, ponder I do…

Consider, if you dare…

…the many aspects of daily American life that have suddenly been turned upside-down and inside-out. “Business as usual” definitely does not live here anymore!

What’s to become of the American Legal System? If gatherings of any number, beyond the boundaries of one’s own residence, are banned by law, how can trials by jury be conducted? Are people now being arrested, thrown in jail and left there without benefit…

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