WHAT IF…?

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In his ongoing efforts to “Make America Great Again”, the President has just announced that America now has an official Language and the official name of the official language of the United States of America is “The American Language”, or “Americanese”.

Addressing a White House Rose Garden crowd of 1.6 million (according to the official White House head-count), Trump presented his vision of America’s new language, saying: “The English Language is okay for English people who live in English countries, but Americans live in America – the greatest country in the world, and the greatest country in the world should have the greatest language in the world, not some other country’s language”.

To accompany the launch of “Americanese“, America’s new official language, a 114-page “unabridged” official Dictionary has been published.  The official name of the official Dictionary of the new official language of America is “The New American Language Dictionary of Phrases, Idioms, Grammar and Speech” (“The New American Language Dictionary of P.I.G. Speech”?!). 

Here are a few words and phrases to be found in America’s new official Dictionary.  The words will be familiar to you, but in the official new language of “Americanese”, many have been given a new definition.

The word “Bankruptcy” has been replaced by the phrase “Portfolio Alignment”. “Bribery” is now to be known as “Gifting”, and “Conspiracy” is now “Strategizing”. 

In Americanese, the legal term “Obstruction of Justice” has been renamed “Creative Perspective Engineering”.  The entry for the word “Immigrant” reads as follows: “any non-Caucasian person who attempts to enter the United States for the purpose of residing therein (See also: Invader)”.

What has long been known as “Gerrymandering” (the political manipulation of voting districts) is now to be known as “Consensus Development”;  the word “Treason” is now “Priority Reassessment”, and if you look up the word “Win” or “Winning”, you will find “Trump” or “Trumping”. According to the official Dictionary of the new official language of America, the terms “Moron”, “Idiot”, and “Douche Bag” are now synonyms for “Genius”.

The word “Misogynist” is now defined as “any Caucasian male person who offers guidance or instruction to any female person”.  Look up the word “Wife” in the New American Language Dictionary of Phrases, Idioms, Grammar and Speech and you will find that it has been replaced by the phrase “Subordinate Claws”, and the word “Racist” is now defined as “one who drives Race Cars”.

“Wikipedia” is the new word for “Encyclopedia”.  A “Journalist” is defined as “any person who accurately publishes, disseminates, or broadcasts news as presented by authorized representatives of the office of the President of the United States”.  “Fake News” appears in the New American Language Dictionary and is defined as: “any person or organization that publishes, disseminates, or broadcasts any information detrimental to the well-being of the President of the United States and, therefore, by proxy, detrimental to the well-being of America. (See also: Traitor)”.

The Republican Party’s well-known moniker “G.O.P.”. which has long stood for “Grand Old Party” now stands for “God’s Own Party”, and the official new name of the Democratic Party is “The Donner Party”. 

At the urging of Mr. Trump, America’s new Dictionary includes a 40-page Coloring Book Section and an assortment of crayons, to, in the words of the President  “make it fun for kids to learn good speaking”.

Concluding his Rose Garden announcement, the President said: “We even have an official slogan for America’s new official language and that slogan is: “My America Speaks American”.  And with that, he proudly placed a new red baseball cap, complete with brand new slogan, on his head and marched into the White House which, by the way, is now called “Trump Palace”.

–Y.Not? (aka Brooke Jones)

Mr. Trump,

We, the undersigned, do hereby inform you that we are in complete agreement with Iranian President Rouhani’s recent characterization of you as “mentally disabled”. Furthermore, we wish to advise you that, should you order U.S. military forces to attack any nation, or cause harm to the people of any nation, such actions would inspire neither our respect for you nor our fear of you. Any such orders or actions by you would, instead, serve only to confirm our unilateral belief that you are an ignorant, insane, malevolent, megolomaniacal moron who deserves to be forever incarcerated in an Institution for the mentally unstable and criminally insane.

Signed,

The Leaders of Every Nation on Earth (with the exception of the U.S.ofA.)

P.S. Definitions of words you do not understand can be found in the O.E.D.

–Y.Not?

In the earliest days of Donald Trump’s occupation of the White House, Steve Bannon, Trump’s bloated, bloviating “Fixer”, and the man some referred to as ‘the author of the Apocalypse’, spoke freely about the plan to dismantle American Democracy.  The hiring of incompetents to head all Cabinet posts was merely Step One of the Bannon agenda.  (Step One:  Check).   Steve Bannon’s Wet Dream envisioned destabilizing the very pillars of American governance, then confiscating all he deemed worthy of owning and selling all the rest  (all buyers welcome, regardless of political or national affiliation).  Steve Bannon may be gone from the West Wing, but his agenda lives on, and what we have witnessed for these past two-plus years, is the systematic implementation of his despicable plan.    

Is it already too late to save America? There are so many questions we should all be asking.  Questions including, but certainly not limited to:  why are Mitch McConnell and his crew aligning themselves with this devastating plot?  What will they gain by helping to lose America?  What will America look like when the Baby Boomers yet alive are too old, infirm, or insolvent to resist?  What will remain of America by the time Trump’s Legion of Lunatic Lemmings finally wakes up to find their places of employment shuttered and their jobs outsourced to foreign shores…when their homes have been foreclosed on, their health in jeopardy and with no access to medical care? To whom will they turn?  On whom will they turn?  

Who will walk away the ultimate victor in the battle to possess or control America?  Will those victors be not nations but business alliances?  Will those long-mythologized businessmen whose names and faces have been the stuff of paranoid fantasies, finally emerge from behind their gilded curtain and, patting each other on the back for a long game well played, slice and section America into unrecognizable pieces to be used in a game whose rules and regulations  have not yet become clear to those of us still struggling to play by rules that no longer apply?

Is America to be known in the history books as the home of a people so complacent, so naïve, so arrogant in their naivety that even as they were being dissected, dismembered and deconstructed, they remained convinced that good would triumph over evil? That the dream of America was so precious and prescribed that it would always find a way, even in the final moments of existence, to pull a rabbit from its hat? That the White Knight/the ‘Good Guy’ would, against all odds, prevail?  It always had and so, they assured each other, it always would! Would they continue to chant their whimsical mantra of “Good triumphs over Evil”,  even as the fires of Hell melted their hopes and devoured their dreams?  Would they sing ‘The Heart Will Go On’ even as the ship sank beneath frigid waters?

Will we someday look back on this dark time and, wiping the sweat from our communal brow, force a tentative smile and, picking up the pieces of the America we’d once known, vow to learn a lesson that, even on that day, we would still not entirely comprehend, muttering ‘Never Again’ to ourselves and to each other? Or…will there be no pieces left to retrieve and no retrievers left for the picking?  The old adage, “Hope for the best, but plan for the worst” rings in my ears.  But what is the plan, and where are the planners?   There seems to be no one among us who has yet visualized what that worst might look like and so, there is no sign of a plan.

We hear many shouting from the rooftops that the tipping point of planet Earth’s environmental demise has already been reached.  They speak among themselves in impassioned voices.  They struggle to make their voices heard by the multitude of ears deaf to environmental disaster.  Their articles appear in newspapers, magazines and web sites.  They conduct seminars attended almost exclusively by members of the international Choir of Planetary Consciousness, but their voices bounce and echo, unheeded, quickly fading into the callous winds of ignorance and apathy.  Where are the impassioned voices crying out for the salvation of the American Dream?   

Unfortunately for us all, it appears that many have fallen for the “okie doke”. Even those who believe the wolf is at the door, have become victims of misdirection.   Rather than addressing the disaster on our doorstep, they are focusing their efforts on an empty waving hand.    Doctored videos, propaganda masquerading as journalism, scammers and schemers pocketing ransoms for deceit, while the sacred truth lies bleeding in the streets, and I am left fearing that Election 2020 will be a game of 3 Card Monty played merely for distraction. 

Wake up, America, you’re being had!  Wake up now, or, like the lobster in the pot – cozy in the warming water – by the time you recognize the danger, you will already be well and truly cooked.

–Y.Not? (aka Brooke Jones)