America’s Official New Language

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In his ongoing efforts to “Make America Great Again”, the President has just announced that America now has an official Language and the official name of the official language of the United States of America is “The American Language”, or “Americanese”.

Addressing a White House Rose Garden crowd of 1.6 million (according to the official White House head-count), Trump presented his vision of America’s new language, saying: “The English Language is okay for English people who live in English countries, but Americans live in America – the greatest country in the world, and the greatest country in the world should have the greatest language in the world, not some other country’s language”.

To accompany the launch of “Americanese“, America’s new official language, a 114-page “unabridged” official Dictionary has been published.  The official name of the official Dictionary of the new official language of America is “The New American Language Dictionary of Phrases, Idioms, Grammar and Speech” (“The New American Language Dictionary of P.I.G. Speech”?!). 

Here are a few words and phrases to be found in America’s new official Dictionary.  The words will be familiar to you, but in the official new language of “Americanese”, many have been given a new definition.

The word “Bankruptcy” has been replaced by the phrase “Portfolio Alignment”. “Bribery” is now to be known as “Gifting”, and “Conspiracy” is now “Strategizing”. 

In Americanese, the legal term “Obstruction of Justice” has been renamed “Creative Perspective Engineering”.  The entry for the word “Immigrant” reads as follows: “any non-Caucasian person who attempts to enter the United States for the purpose of residing therein (See also: Invader)”.

What has long been known as “Gerrymandering” (the political manipulation of voting districts) is now to be known as “Consensus Development”;  the word “Treason” is now “Priority Reassessment”, and if you look up the word “Win” or “Winning”, you will find “Trump” or “Trumping”. According to the official Dictionary of the new official language of America, the terms “Moron”, “Idiot”, and “Douche Bag” are now synonyms for “Genius”.

The word “Misogynist” is now defined as “any Caucasian male person who offers guidance or instruction to any female person”.  Look up the word “Wife” in the New American Language Dictionary of Phrases, Idioms, Grammar and Speech and you will find that it has been replaced by the phrase “Subordinate Claws”, and the word “Racist” is now defined as “one who drives Race Cars”.

“Wikipedia” is the new word for “Encyclopedia”.  A “Journalist” is defined as “any person who accurately publishes, disseminates, or broadcasts news as presented by authorized representatives of the office of the President of the United States”.  “Fake News” appears in the New American Language Dictionary and is defined as: “any person or organization that publishes, disseminates, or broadcasts any information detrimental to the well-being of the President of the United States and, therefore, by proxy, detrimental to the well-being of America. (See also: Traitor)”.

The Republican Party’s well-known moniker “G.O.P.”. which has long stood for “Grand Old Party” now stands for “God’s Own Party”, and the official new name of the Democratic Party is “The Donner Party”. 

At the urging of Mr. Trump, America’s new Dictionary includes a 40-page Coloring Book Section and an assortment of crayons, to, in the words of the President  “make it fun for kids to learn good speaking”.

Concluding his Rose Garden announcement, the President said: “We even have an official slogan for America’s new official language and that slogan is: “My America Speaks American”.  And with that, he proudly placed a new red baseball cap, complete with brand new slogan, on his head and marched into the White House which, by the way, is now called “Trump Palace”.

–Y.Not? (aka Brooke Jones)